Terri Herman-Ponce

Lessons Learned from Dad — keeping it simple

terriponce — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 15:58:55 +0000

Dad – New Year’s Eve – late 1970s

It’s almost two years since I lost my Dad, and I miss him every day. And as time passes, I realize just how much impact he had on my life and the times shared that are forever burned into memory.

I remember growing up and spending weekends at Coney Island, buying freshly caught blue fish off the back of fishing boats. I remember foot long hot dogs and cotton candy on the boardwalk, and the raw bars we used to hang out at, eating clams and oysters. I remember Sunday afternoon barbecues with the family, swimming in the pool on a hot summer afternoon to cool off because the air conditioners weren’t in the windows yet, and standing at the top of the stairs Christmas morning, waiting for everyone to use the bathroom before we could open Santa’s gifts by the tree. I remember New Year’s Eve cocktails that were always served on a tray, belly photos at every family reunion, and boating to Greenport where we’d drink beer and enjoy a balmy, Long Island breeze.

And I remember Dad playing “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof on the record player, as the photographer took pictures of him and me the day I got married.

But, in the background of all these wonderful memories are some of the most important, and potent, life lessons that Dad imparted on me. Whether shared on purpose or not, these lessons had a significant impact that only now, as I mature, do I recognize just how meaningful they are.

So, in honor of Dad and Father’s Day, these are the things that Dad made a part of his life, and that are now a part of me:

Dad and Mom at the boat – 1987

Eat anything you want, as long as it’s in moderation.
There’s nothing like a cold beer on a hot summer afternoon.
Sing, and loudly. It’ll put a smile on your face.
The stinkier the cheese, the tastier it is.
If you’re thirsty, drink water.
Tell the ones you love that you love them. Every day.
There’s nothing like family.
Lobster tails should always be grilled.
Follow tradition. Then pass it on.
Keep your wants simple. Life gives you all you need.

I miss you Dad.

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: Coney Island, Father's Day, life lessons, memories, Terri Herman-Ponce, Terri Ponce

Broken Eyes – do you have them?

terriponce — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 16:43:55 +0000

When you look into a mirror, what do you see? Do you focus on shortcomings? Or do you study yourself with healthy detachment, able to find the positives staring back at you?

I’m not sure why people are so obsessed with body image these days. Has the media made us so hypercritical that we’re unable to be happy with the way we look? Has it created a society that is way too focused on an image on screen or in the movies or on a magazine page that is, for 99% of us, unattainable?

Or are we this way because of something else instead? Something more intrinsic and that’s hard-wired within each of us? I have no idea, but this concept really got me thinking.

A recent study by Prevention Magazine touches on this, and is what inspired this week’s blog. It found that healthy women were just as likely to have a distorted body image as those with an eating disorder. Now, I’m not going to get all hot and heavy here; I’m not a physician or psychiatrist and I’m not going to delve into a subject that’s best left for the experts. But I do think it’s interesting how many people have a skewed perception of what they look like. And this isn’t just a female thing, either. Men are just as likely to have it, too.

Enter broken eyes. I’d first heard this term, oh … hmm … maybe five or six years ago. I was in a ladies room and overheard two women talking. One of the women complained about her hair, and then went on to criticize her mouth. To me, she was a very pleasant looking woman. Put together, nicely dressed, and she had a cute laugh, too. As she went on about her “deficiencies”, her friend said, “When are you ever going to stop looking at yourself through broken eyes?”

Interestingly enough, I was in a ladies room this past week and had a very similar experience again. Yeah, I know. It freaked me out, too. And I got to thinking …

What makes us so externally obsessed anyway? There’s this little thing in evolution that suggests that people are attracted to appealing-looking people as a way to differentiate the virile from the weak. It’s an innate way of keeping the species procreating and making it stronger and better. On a physical level, that makes sense.

But if you think about that a little more, what about the indefinables that come into play? You know, those traits that are obscure but that attract you to someone regardless of looks. Confidence, for example. A cheery disposition. Or a sense of peace that a person exudes that immediately makes you feel at peace with yourself, too.

Which brings me to my point. There’s no arguing that what’s on the surface of each of us can be viewed as attractive, but what’s on the inside is far more important. And I think, once we fix our broken eyes, we’d be much more able to focus on those inner strengths and make them more visible to the world. After all, beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but long-term happiness with yourself – on the inside and out – comes from our own eyes and no one else’s.

What do you think? Are we too externally focused in this world? And if so, what could we possibly do about it to fix all those broken eyes?

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: body image, broken eyes, Prevention Magazine

Smile.Confidence

terriponce — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 22:49:43 +0000

Reblogged from LifeFashionPhotography:

There are two things a person can wear to make them look good, and it never fails.

1. A Smile

2. Confidence

SMILE

To some, smiling is a sign of weakness, or that it suggests you're 'gay', or some other weird shit that only they could try and explain (and fail).

Here is the reality: Throwing a smile at people is a good look.

What Does It Really Mean to Be #1 — in anything??

terriponce — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 16:08:35 +0000

Those who know me know I adore JA Konrath and his blog. He’s one of those guys — and writers — who tells it like it is and isn’t afraid to do so. Refreshing in this day and age, when everyone’s so worried about being PC or how they’re going to be perceived.

Anyhoo, the other day, I ran across a blog post on Konrath’s site that caught my attention. It talked about being a “bestselling author”, which got me thinking about what it really means to be el numero uno, the big kahuna, or first place in anything.

See, here’s the thing. We are so bombarded with folks who are trying to stand out in the crowd with anything that we’ve resorted to twisting certain facts in our favor to gain more attention. This isn’t always a bad thing, because pushing your boundaries and trying harder keeps you focused and striving toward something better, for yourself personally or your career, or whatever it is you choose to be better at. However, there’s a fine line between saying you’re number one and actually being number one.

So what does being number one really mean? Back in the day, when I used to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation, being Number One meant Will Riker was Captain Picard’s right-hand man. He was his second in command. He was the backup for if/when Captain Picard wasn’t able to perform his duties. But guess what? Riker wasn’t Number One. He was number two (stop laughing at the pun) because, uh, he wasn’t the freaking Captain! He wasn’t the guy in charge.

Let’s take that a step further, shall we?

Think about advertising you’ve seen recently. Labels that say things like “voted the best in its class”, or “ranked first among users”. Oh cool. But when you think it out, the next questions that come to mind are: in what class was did you rank best? And which group of users thought your product was so great?

Then there are writers, like me, who also want attention. We’ll say things like “award-winning”, or “best selling” or “a top 100 Amazon bestseller”. Yeah, but, was that for two hours? A day? When you ran a freebie promotion? And in what contest did you win? At a local readers group that has only twenty members?

Okay, so don’t take this the wrong way. I’m only trying to make a point. The point is, just what exactly does it mean to be number one? I think the answer lies in what your goals are. Some folks are perfectly happy with just becoming better at what they do. It could be in becoming a better person, or more patient or giving. It could be working toward a promotion. It could be starting up a new business venture, or even a family. It could also be something more visible, like the examples I noted above, in obtaining a more public image — and the publicity that goes with it.

But then where does it stop?

Some folks are driven to be the best at whatever they do. The Type A personalities who can’t sit still, get bored easily, and constantly need to be challenged to their next level. Who may, in some ways, be looking for external affirmation that they’ve achieved numero uno status. Then there are the folks at the other end of the spectrum who are more laid back in their outlook, maybe a little more inwardly focused, and who use a different set of criteria to determine if they’ve achieved that #1 ranking.

There is no right or wrong, obviously. Just different ways of looking at what makes for that top spot. As I’ve matured, and hopefully found a little more wisdom over the years, I’ve discovered that my idea of being #1 has many different meanings and levels. But, my hope is to be more realistic about what #1 means. And to know that once I’ve achieved it, another #1 goal is laid out ahead of me. It’s what keeps me going.

What about you? Does a desire for being #1 drive you toward achieving your goals and dreams? Does having a #1 status mean something to you, and if it does is it more an external one (to be noticed) or is it more for personal achievement (and an inward state of bliss)?

I’d love to know.

Oh, and for those interested, you can read Konrath’s blog that I referenced here.

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: being number one, bestselling, bestselling author, captain picard, JA Konrath, Star Trek, star trek the next generation

Strange Places to Use A Smart Phone — or, what the heck are they thinking?

terriponce — Sun, 26 May 2013 16:37:41 +0000

Working in NYC, I can pretty much say I’ve seen it all. Or maybe most of it. Seriously. However, the other day I saw something that made me take a step back and pause, not because it was so unusual but because, I realized, I’ve been seeing a lot of it.

And it’s how people use their smart phones, which, I have to say, isn’t all that smart.

So I got it into my head to list out some of the weird places and ways I’ve seen people use their smart phones. I thought it might be kinda fun and maybe even a little eye-opening. So here you go:

A public bathroom. Does anyone else go “ewwww” when they realize someone in another stall is having a conversation while they’re doing their business? Really. Is the phone call that important? Because I can tell you, the ones that I’ve overheard could have definitely waited. And speaking about being overheard, I wonder just how much the person on the other end of the line can hear.
During a massage. Umm. Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t the idea of getting a massage all about relaxation and leaving the real world behind? How can a masseur possibly relieve stress and get deep into your tissue when you’re yakking it up with a friend or, better yet, arguing with a spouse? It boggles.
When the person you’re talking to is right next to you. This one’s a winner, in my book. I’ve seen people get off the railroad and arrange a meeting place, via their cell phone, with another person. And then meet that person and continue talking to them on their cell phone while they’re standing right next to each other!
On a date. Call me old-fashioned, but if you’re on a date then why the heck are you texting and chatting it up with someone else on your phone? Focus on the person you are out with, damn it, and show some respect. It’s not a lot to ask.

There you have it. Short as it is, this list really makes you scratch your head when you see people doing these things. Not only is this kind of behavior rude, it gives everyone else the message that you’re dealing with a major case of self-importance. Blech.

So the next time you’re going to use your smart phone, think twice about where you are and who you’re with. And whatever you do, don’t text and drive!

Now tell me, what strange cell phone stories do you have to share?

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: smart phone habits, Terri Herman-Ponce, Terri Ponce

When Enough Isn’t Enough – can we ever truly be happy?

terriponce — Sun, 19 May 2013 17:35:23 +0000

I went to Starbucks the other day (okay, I go every day…I’m an addict, so sue me), and overheard a conversation between a woman and a man. As a writer, this is what I do. Eavesdrop, but only with the best of intentions. Listening to other peoples’ conversations is how you learn about tone, and body language, and emotional conflict so your dialogue is as realistic as it can be on the page. It also gives you insight into how people think. And what they worry about.

Anyway, this man and this woman were discussing a little league baseball game they were attending this weekend. And they started talking about the other parents there, and one couple in particular. About the new car they had. The big house they had. The vacations these people took. Blah blah blah. And I started thinking… this kind of stuff is all around us, each and every day. We are bombarded with messages about what we need (that we don’t), what we should have (that isn’t necessary) and how our looks, life, or any other fill-in-the-blank isn’t as good as someone else’s. You see it on magazine racks (can anyone say Kardashian?) and on television and in the movies.

It’s freaking everywhere.

So I got to thinking. Can we ever truly be happy when we’re constantly bombarded with reminders of what we’re not or what we haven’t got?

Not to knock the media or anything, but they’re not helping. Watch any television program and tell me what you see. Does anyone look real anymore? Does anyone act real anymore? Those people are out there, but they seem to be a dying breed. At least when it comes to what we’re exposed to, and it’s become noise. It also, unfortunately, sends a subconscious message to each of us that something about us should be changed because we’re not one of the “beautiful people”.

Blech.

So how do we find our way back to ourselves? To who we really are? It’s fun to watch television or movies, or to read a tabloid or magazine, but who is it really helping? Not us, that’s for sure. Some folks abandon the media altogether when they feel overloaded or overwhelmed by it all. In my case, I focus more intently on meditation to clear my mind. It’s a balance, and not always an easy one to find, especially when social media puts so much of this at your fingertips in seconds flat.

What do you think? Can we ever truly be happy despite all the noise that’s preying on the insecurities of the average person? Which, in case you haven’t noticed, 99% of us are. Average, that is.

I’d love to know.

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: emotional conflict, happiness, meditation, Terri Herman-Ponce, Terri Ponce, writing

Would You Rather? An Exercise in Creating Max Conflict in Fiction

terriponce — Mon, 13 May 2013 17:45:25 +0000

Reblogged from Kristen Lamb's Blog:

Last week, I was blessed to attend and teach at the DFW Writers' Workshop Conference. Edgar-Nominated Author David Corbett taught a really excellent class about building dimensional characters. There was a particular message in his talk that stood out for me.

Force your characters to exteriorize. Thoughts and feelings can be taken back. Action makes characters commit to consequences.

Genuine Drama=Commitment…

Finding Your Passion Again – despite the burnout

terriponce — Mon, 13 May 2013 10:35:53 +0000

I read a post the other day on The Passive Voice about how some writers may condemn a bestseller book because of all the “bad” that’s in it. Though the title of the post points to the fate of today’s book bloggers — who are suffering from overload because they’ve become the new gatekeepers for the slush pile — a lot of what was written in that piece really hit home for me.

See, I’m human and, like many other writers, I get annoyed when I read a bestseller book that, in my opinion, is poorly written. Now, let’s get something out of the way before I go on, okay? What I consider poorly written is not necessarily what someone else considers poorly written. However, I do believe there are some universal traits on what most readers consider “bad”. Writers, on the other hand, are more critical because they deal with words and storytelling every day. When you put a book into their hands, they’re going to read it differently than your average reader will. And the writer who has more experience (read, words written and stories published/told) will be even more critical still.

What happens is, that writer will start picking the “bad” book apart. They’ll search out the so-called crap and complain. “How the &!%$ did that author get published with writing like this,” they’ll ask, “and make a fortune on top of it?” And maybe that writer has a point. Maybe there was a lot of bad in the writing. But apparently there was good, too. Maybe even more good than they want to admit.

This is one of the points TPV was trying to make. There comes a time when you have to push past the ego thing, when you realize that it’s truly time to take your craft to the next level, open your mind, and find what worked. A book becomes a bestseller because, d’uh, something worked. Finding that winning combination is what will help you get past the “that was crap” mindset and into “oh, I get it now” way of thinking.

Which brings me to the point of today’s blog. A lot of book review bloggers out there are suffering from burnout. Too much reading that’s available. Too many authors clamoring for attention. Too many stories that sound the same, and many that really, truly aren’t ready for prime time yet. So those bloggers have pulled back. They’ve decided to pick and choose the stories they want to read. And some have even decided to branch out past the usual genre they prefer.

Why? One of the reasons, I think, is simple: the only way to rekindle a passion for what you truly love is to expand your horizons and branch out past what is usual for you. Doing so gives you a stronger appreciation for what you do love, but also gives you perspective. We’re creatures of habit. We get stuck in ruts because we’re comfortable there. It’s what we know. But if you try to mix it up a bit? You just might be in for a pleasant surprise.

So the next time you’re feeling burned out — over anything — think about trying something new. Give it a week. Maybe even a month. Like those book bloggers, be selective but search out what’s different. Like the writers who must learn to find the good despite the bad, open your mind to the possibility that there are many other enjoyable things out there that, on the surface, might seem — dare I say? — icky.

Go on. I dare you. Then let me know how it goes.

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: burnout, passion, reading, Terri Herman-Ponce, Terri Ponce, The Passive Voice, writing

The Secret of Success – it’s more common than you think

terriponce — Sun, 05 May 2013 16:43:07 +0000

There are many definitions for success. Some people measure it by their health, or their family, or the friends they have. Others measure it by things attained, or achievements made. Others may use a combination of all of these.

I’ve often thought about success and what it means to me, and have to admit that my definition has changed over the years. That said, I started thinking the other day about people I consider successful in what they do (or did) for a living. Which led me to research who they are and what makes them tick. I think, truly, that to become successful in any form you have a mantra or code that you live by. And I discovered, as I researched the people who intrigue me, that there are definite similarities in the way they think. Here’s a sampling:

Thomas Edison – his teachers told him that he was too stupid to learn anything. He went on to invent 1,000 light bulbs before creating the one that worked. In his words, “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

Julia Child – if you know anything about Julia, it’s that she started out as a culinary disaster only to become one of the biggest icons among chefs and cooking. When a recipe bombed, she didn’t make excuses. In her mind, these types of admissions only drew attention to your shortcomings (or your perceived shortcomings). Which is why she said, “Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one’s cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.” In sum, according to Julia, “The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking you’ve got to have a what-the-hell attitude.”

David Gandy – labeled the most handsome man in the world, Gandy says “I’m more a believer in making your own luck,” and focuses on not following trends but making his own. According to him, “In any working environment, you’re bound to feel the pressure to change. But getting to the top is about focusing on the long-term. It’s no good saying ‘I want to re-brand myself, I want to be this person.’” He’ll tell you point blank that he was never going to be the skinny Dior guy because that’s not him. When told to lose weight, he put on more instead. He trusted his intuition and stood firm. And by doing so, he paved his own way to becoming the most in demand male model ever, as well as a driven businessman, showing us that there’s a lot more to him than gracing the cover of a magazine.

JA Konrath – A traditionally published author who turned to self-publishing and finally made his mark, Konrath is a self-professed workaholic who does what he does because he loves it so damned much. Here’s a bit of his story in a nutshell: “It took more than ten years for ORIGIN to find its audience, and I’m going to write a sequel to it, because I get so much fan mail about that book.” The thing is, “You can quit if you want to. Or you can stick with it until you get lucky. The are no easy answers. No quickie fixes. No direct paths to success. No one is forcing you to do this. You have to love it, and to believe in yourself. Even when you fail. Especially when you fail.”

Okay. So there you have it. Sure, there are dozens of other people I could put on this page but there’d be no point because the point has already been made. And, by the way, have you realized what it is?

Persistence. And a true sense of self.

As a writer, there is no greater power given to me. I am in control of what I do, of what I write, and of my own destiny. I can write what I want – and will write what I want – no matter what the trends. Because the trends don’t fit me. Only I fit me.

And only I can reach success in my writing, whatever that ‘success’ may be, by keeping at it. Because at the end of the day, the only person I have to answer to when it comes to my success is – you guessed it – me.

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: David Gandy, JA Konrath, Julia Child, quotes, Terri Herman-Ponce, Terri Ponce, Thomas Edison, writing

“No fear to put a fool in his place” – the power of language and experience

terriponce — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:08:21 +0000

This photo of and quote from Judy Dench made its rounds on Facebook this week. And it immediately caught my attention.

I’ve always admired this woman and, of course, loved her character as M in James Bond. M had chutzpah and determination and stood her ground. Nothing swayed her, and even when faced with difficult decisions (think Skyfall) she stuck to her guns.

So when I saw this quote, I immediately understood why I’ve always felt drawn to M. From my perspective it seems there’s a lot of Dench in M, and probably why she was just so damned good at the part.

I think it sometimes takes a lot to get to that point in life, where you’re comfortable enough in your own skin to not give a crap what anyone thinks about you anymore. Life’s challenges have a way of testing you to see just what you’re made of. And someone who’s learned the difference and matured in that way can do so without being rude or hurting feelings. Oh, and let’s note that “mature” doesn’t mean old or older. It simply means a person has become sophisticated and experienced enough in their worldview to understand the subtleties of standing their ground.

Now that I’ve opened the ‘age’ can of worms, I’ll admit that as I’ve grown a bit older myself (and I’ll tell Left Brain often that we’re getting older and not old), I’ve discovered some things I never knew about myself before. Like I have a better ability to blow off someone when they’re having a bad day and taking it out on me. Or the insight to understand that everyone views life through their own eyes, and that just because they don’t agree with my mindset doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

And that every now and then I, too, can put a fool in his or her place. There’s an old saying along the lines of “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness”. It’s a truism I live every day.

So all of that said, what person do you admire and why? And what do you think about Dench’s quote? I’d love to know.

Filed under: Stories Behind The Stories Tagged: Judy Dench, maturity, Skyfall