Change in life is inevitable. I can accept that now, more easily than I did when I was younger. But change is still scary for me and I’m facing a number of them right now that are making me feel overwhelmed. And lost.
I’m a student of meditation and mindfulness, both of which offer ways of viewing life, facing challenge, and being present in a more positive way. But lately I feel like I’ve been hit from all sides. A parent was hospitalized. My spouse is going to lose his job. And the company I work at is going through change as well, which means my future employment is also potentially questionable. On top of that, long-standing holiday traditions recently changed in my family, and my college-aged son is maturing and moving on in many wonderful directions (without me!), and I’m left feeling…I dunno. Lost.
Over the past few days, I thought about what it means to feel lost. And I admit that I don’t like it. I don’t like lack of direction, and not knowing where I’m heading, and feeling unmotivated, and…dare I admit it…not being in control. Then, this morning as I was running errands, I had a revelation. It was a simple one but an important one: I realized I was so busy reacting to all the change around me that I was losing sight of the fact that in change lies opportunity. But in order to find opportunity, I had to stop focusing on reacting to what I can’t control and embracing what I could.
That’s not an easy thing to do. Yet I discovered, in a moment of simple clarity as I stared up at the clouds, that I don’t have all the answers and I can’t see the future and I can agonize over what-ifs until I give myself agita and ruin my day. And focusing on what I can’t control was what was making me feel lost. So, as I finished my last errand and got into my car, I drew in a deep breath, looked up again at the clouds, and let myself go. I focused on the uncomfortable sensation that came with feeling lost, allowed my mind to accept, without judgment, that it was okay to feel that way, and opened my heart to the idea that even in upheaval I can still find positives.
And you know what happened? That feeling of being lost faded. I no longer felt like I was reacting to change but rather was looking for the things I could control. And then I felt empowered.
Hmm. I think I may have just reached an important milestone in my life. 🙂
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Each season of life has something to offer. You’re going through some tough seasons right now, and yet you’ve managed to gain peace. That’s a wonderful gift.
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Thanks Kate. I’d like to think I achieved that too.
I’m getting more and more familiar with that feeling, unfortunately. Good for you for finding your way to deal with it! I haven’t reached that point yet. Perhaps that’s why I spend so much time reading fiction, and mystery in particular. It follows a clear logical path and everything gets worked out in the end.
It’s a reason why I’m a fan of mystery, too. I LOVE the puzzle.